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A different type of fan letter

Back in the year 1993, I was in high school. An assignment was given where I had to pretend to be one celebrity and write to another celebrity. I chose to write my letters as Kurt Cobain to Tom Clancy. I don't remember everything about the assignment, but there may have been someone doing the opposite assignments - answering my letters. I only seem to have the original Cobain letters. Well, since last week was the 10 year anniversary of the discovery of his body, I thought this might be the right time to share them with the world. By the way, I was a huge fan of Nirvana at the time.

I was pretty naíve then, so I wrote my letters as a nice Kurt Cobain. I doubt he would have ever asked the questions I asked, but he's no longer her to refute them. So, without further ado, here are the letters I wrote as Mr. Cobain to an also fake Tom Clancy.

Letter #1
November 29, 1991

T. C.,
I saw the story about you yesterday, you know the one about your new house. I think I could use a house like that, no, I know I could use that house. It was a good article, but not one when you read it five times. I don't usually do that, but when you wait in a doctor's office for an hour and a half, there isn't much else you can do. I was at the doctor's because I had another appointment to see the doctor about my chronic stomach pains that I've had for about three years now. It's probably from the stress of singing so much. I'm a musician, you might already know that, for a band named Nirvana. We only have two albums, though, Bleach and Nevermind (Azerrad 343). While I'm on that subject, something reminded me how we got the money for Bleach. You see, I'm from Aberdeen, a small logging town in northwest Washington, and since I opposed cutting down the trees for money, I never had any money. So, anyway, we bummed $606.17 from a friend, which was all that the album cost to produce. He gave us the $600 and in return, we put his name on the record. One of these days, I may even pay him back. Maybe I'll pay him back with some of the profits from Nevermind, since we sold over 5 million copies already, and it's number one on the charts all over. Well, maybe I won't pay him back, and if he asks me, I'll just tell him that I don't remember that.

Back to my letter here. I have a question for you; I'm looking for a house in the Seattle/Aberdee area, and I can't find any nice ones that are interesting. So, do you know of anyone who I can contract to build one? Don't worry about the cost, I get 60% of the profits from Nevermind because I write all the songs. I wish I had a band that would help me write songs. Of course, once in a while, they'll come up with a great riff on the guitar, or a good drumbeat, but most of the time, I do all the work, and we start from nothing. Anyway, if you know of someone who does good work, let me know, okay?

Kurt Cobain

Letter #2
April 25, 1992

Dear Clancy,
The house you describe is exactly what I have been looking for. You wouldn't want to just sell it to me, would you? Probably not, huh? At least if I get the same builder, he should still know how it is supposed to look, or whatever. The underground shooting gallery would be ideal for me to work on my accuracy and also keep my kid (on the way) out of the way.

You said that your wife was a skeptic? I'm a skeptic of our own success. I've been trying to alienate our audiences since the beginning. Since I wrote you last, we've sold about 4 million more copies of Nevermind, though. That brings the grand total up to about 9 million. We've put out one more album since then, called Incesticide, which hasn't really sold very well. That's good though, so, only the people that are our true fans will buy it, because we didn't publicize its arrival onto shelves. Also, I'm a little bit skeptic of my new wife, Courtney Love. She's in Hole, another band. We got hitched February 24, so it was about a month ago.

I'm not really into reading books, so I'll go out tonight and see if I can find Hunt for Red October on video and then we'll watch it. I saw some ads for it, and it looked pretty interesting. Since I last wrote, we won a MTV music award, actually several. They look pretty good on the mantel, right next to our collection of naked dolls. Speaking of dolls, though, when the child comes, I won't make him be a little adult with perfect manners. But, enough about my family, let's hear about yours.

Kurt Cobain

Letter #3
December 9, 1992

Actually I was hoping for a boy, because then, I could prove to my parents that you can have a son and not pressure him into sports. I guess that is all out the window now, since her arrival. She's a beautiful girl name Frances Bean Cobain. I'm just now teaching her how to cuss. I really hated when my dad pushed me into sports; it really pissed me off. He pushed me into baseball, which I hated, and he pushed me into wrestling, which I didn't really mind. There was this time when, "I was down on my hands and knees and I looked up at my dad and smiled and I waited for the whistle to blow, just staring straight into his face and I instantly clammed up - I put my arms together and let the guy pin me. You should have seen the look on his face. He actually walked out halfway through the match because I did it like four times in a row" (qtd. in Azerrad Come 21). That was the second most beautiful day of my life. The first was when my daughter was born, some seven months ago. I love being a father, especially when I don't have to change any diapers. Too bad my own dad didn't feel that way. My dad was a jerk, when he remarried when I was like nine or ten; his wife was a bitch and hated me. She brought two kids of her own with her, too, and of course she loved them more than me. Sometimes, "while I skulked around in my basement room, they would go out to the mall and come back with a Starhorse or a Tonka Truck, (Azerrad Come 19) and they never brought me anything. Geez, I really hated my dad.

Kurt Cobain

Well, there you have it. I wrote these letter for an assignment and now they've come back to haunt and embarrass me. Whatever. My loss is your gain. Most of the quotes came from "Come As You Are" by Michael Azerrad. I have had that book since early 1992 and reread it several times. This was the original version, as later copies came with an additional chapter about Kurt's death.

Posted by dennis @ 12:00 AM | Comments (0)
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