How not to get a date online
April 9, 2004
This piece is to help you men out there not get dates using online dating services. I am male. If you are not male, you may not find the humor in my pain.
1. You'll need to choose a place to do your bidding. There are many online dating services out there, but they follow mostly the same set of rules. I have personally used Fark personals and Match.com, but you could also try Cupid.com and Yahoo! Personals. All of these sites want to help you not get a date, but they need your money to be successful. At first glance, Fark personals may appear the best because you pay only to start conversations regardless of how frequently you talk to the other or how often you initiate a new conversation. Beware, however, that Fark personals does not have nearly the number of registered users that can ignore you.
2. So you chose a dating service to use, you're partially done. Yeah! Now we'll need to create an account name. Please follow the following guidelines when choosing this name.
a. Do not use any useful information about yourself. Using a credit card number as your name is not a good idea. Nor is a bank account number. I wouldn't even use the number on your library card.
b. Avoid using too many adjectives. "SuperSexyBlondeAthleticCamaroDriver" is probably already taken anyway. If you put down all of those adjectives in your name, you have to live up to all of them. It will sound doubly dumb if you crash the Camaro and get stuck driving around in a Hyundai.
c. Reveal something about yourself without revealing too much. When you create this name, it's going to stick with you. Use the name of your town. Use your favorite color. Use a number that doesn't mean anything. If you make a unique name, you can be known on all of the sites by the same name and it might work out to your benefit.
d. Do not use a professional sports team name! Perhaps the reason that you got along so well with your last girlfriend (you had one, right?) is the little fights you had about the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. If you choose the name "RedSoxFanNumberOne", then you'll only be advertising to women who also adore the Red Sox. Also, you are not the team's number one fan, no matter what you think. Many make the claim, but that honor can only belong to one.
3. Great, now you've chosen a name and you've written it down. No, really, write it down. You'll need it later when you check back to find that no one has written to you. It's time to get to business. All of these sites work in a similar way. They will ask you a seemingly endless list of questions that will help you attract a mate.
*Do not begin this section if you are currently drunk, horny, lonely, or mad at the world. You will need all your wits about you in order to answer these "trick questions" correctly.*
One of the first questions they'll ask about you is your weight/body type. Go ahead, be honest here. All of the other men on the site probably lied and embellished in this section. You will, therefore, be lauded as the dork that will never get a date. Perfect.
Pretty soon they will ask for information about you. There are a couple of guidelines for this section as well. If you are now or have ever been interested in outdoor activities, forget to mention it. If you play any online video games, please describe in detail as much as you can about the characters you use or the fun you have. Your duty, in this reply, is to create the illusion that you never more than an arm's length from your computer.
What kind of woman are you looking for? Now is the time when you need to shoot for the stars. Of course you're looking for a super model. Put that down. You're also looking for a super, smoking hot blonde with a trust fund? Put that down. Those two requests are not mutually exclusive, so they'll both do just fine.
What do you do for a living? Well, I doubt any of those women will know anything about independent contract work. Go ahead, then, and just say it. You're unemployed. She's got a trust fund, and she'll be looking for someone who gets to stay home with her. "Between jobs" sounds too trite anyway.
Finally, they'll ask you about the date you're looking to find. (cracks knuckles) This is your bread and butter. If your date is going to be a supermodel (or is already!), she'll have to meet some height requirements - same with your date. A model should be at least 5'9, but we'll go as low as 5'8. Of course, you don't want any of those freakishly tall girls either, so no one over 6'2. That's a good start. We've got to get rid of all the fatties out there, too, so we'll only keep the slender, thin, and athletic girls - though it might be more work later, we'll leave the athletic girls in there. You know, too many muscles on a girl can be icky.
What about kids? You've involuntarily saved yourself for her, so we should expect the same from her. No kids. I know, I know - kids are cute, but you can have your own. Besides, she's smoking hot; you'll hardly be able to keep your hands off of her.
4. Great, now we've finished up your profile and even narrowed our search a little. A search? What a wonderful idea! We might as well get the ball rolling and find some women who meet our high standards. All of these sites offer a search feature, let's click on that now. After you put in your wants and needs, see how many women come up? Right, they all want you. Yeah, you! We can't, however, just wait for them to come knocking, we've got to get out there and chase them a little bit. All women like that.
Make sure you look through each profile in case there's anything off-kilter about any of the profiles. Did she write, "No fat, bald guys need apply?" So what if you're neither? You're not vain, and neither should she be. Delete her. You might even find a couple like that; delete them all.
Now you should have a more manageable number of women to talk to, but you have to have a systematic way of reaching all of them. We need some sort of rank ordering for all the hotties that want you. Go ahead, move them around on your list until the hottest girls are on top (like they should be!) and move down your list accordingly. Finished? Good, now we can begin the final step of you not getting dates on the interweb.
5. The top girl on your list is like a shining star; you've got to put on your shades in order to see her. Besides, sunglasses make everyone look cool. Let's put that site membership to good use and write to her. Nervous? Don't be. Remember, she's looking for you, too! Here are a few key tips to help you compose this first message.
a. Keep it short and simple. Try to keep it shorter than four or five lines. You've got to be a little bit mysterious about all of this.
b. Compliment her. Tell her how hot she is. In fact, this should be the bulk of your message. If your message is to be between four and five lines long, you should mention her attractiveness at least nine times. Any fewer and you'll risk being ignored.
c. Let her know that you're an animal lover. It's a big turn-on for this type of girl. Have a cat? Share a cat with your mom (who lives upstairs)? Tell her about your cat and what type of food you buy. The doting you give to your little shnookums will impress her.
d. Make sure and use an appropriate ending to your message. "Sincerely" sounds too formal. "Peace out" sounds too hippie. "Laterz" is wrong on so many levels. "Impatiently waiting for your reply" is gold. Pure gold, I tell you.
e. Do not spellcheck that bad boy. You want to get this candle lit as soon as possible. The longer you wait to send the message, the longer you'll have to wait for a reply.
Now you've found the perfect woman. You've written the perfect message; all you have to do is wait. And wait. She hasn't written you back yet? That's fine. She might be building homes for poor families in Bolivia, but you can wait for that, can't you? You can't? I couldn't either. Maybe we should move on to the second girl on your list.
Delete that girl from your list and begin again at step 5. Isn't the internet a beautiful thing?
Posted by dennis @ 12:00 AM